Episode I - Jurassic Park

This is the first entry of a tongue in cheek segment that I'm going to do every now and then for a bit of fun. I'll pick/concoct a bunch of reasons why my favourite movies suck. These will mostly be nonsense but there may be a few genuine criticisms thrown in there for good measure. I'll let you decide which is which on your own. Anyway let's get down to business.

Jurassic Park is one of my favourite movies of all time but is it really a masterclass in blockbuster filmmaking? No, IT SUCKS and here's why.

Not enough CGI

If there's one thing we all know it's that CGI always looks better than practical effects. Why go to the trouble of building a to scale animatronic model of a T-Rex when you can just spew it straight from the electronic promised land? Look at it, it can't even eat that polystyrene block. Pathetic.

There were 15 mins of dinosaur effects in Jurassic Park, of which only 6 mins were CGI shots. Compare that with Transformers: Dark of the Moon a film which contains over 17 hours of digital exploding robot porn and grossed $1.124 billion at the box office whilst Jurassic Park only managed a measly $1.029 billion and it's painfully clear which is better. Michael Bay should remake Jurassic Park. You heard it here first!

Stupid SFX

The Velociraptors sound like seagulls, the Dilophosaurus sounds like a moorhen and don't get me started on that stupid slapstick comedy Dennis Nedry mud-slip slide whistle. It's there; go back and listen. It's at the 09s mark in the below video!

Made Up Dinosaurs

The 6ft Velociraptor seen on screen is not based on reality and in fact Velociraptors were only the size of chickens. John Hammond obviously had access to an embiggening ray or at least had Rick Moranis on speed dial. There is no evidence Dilophosaurus had that fancy Victorian neck ruffle thing either...and if he did, he's hardly going to wear it during a tropical storm. Formal dinners and special occasions only!

Doesn't contain the best moments from the saga…

The best moments from all of the Jurassic Park movies that the first film does not contain are as follows:

Velociraptor death by gymnastics (The Lost World).

Talking Velociraptor dream sequence aka Alan's bad dream. (Jurassic Park III).

T-Rex / Velociraptor mutual respect head nod following a battle with a mega dinosaur opponent (Jurassic World). Couldn't find a clip. Go back and watch it...

Creepy awkward Jeff Goldblum looking at the camera out of the corner of his eye in a tube station (The Lost World). Again, no clip. It's after the beach scene and is really quite off-putting...by which I mean awesome.

No repeatedly shouting of "hold on to something" (The Lost World). Why aren't these clips on youtube!?

No Spinosaurus phone call. Dee doo deedle do deedle dee doo.

Adding all or even some of these moments would drastically improve the film to the point of masterpiece status. Here's hoping Michael Bay throws them in with some added explosions and robots in his eagerly awaited remake.

Not enough sexy open shirt Jeff Goldblum…

'Nuff said.

Ridiculous laughs.

What the heck is up with that creepy weirdo Ian Malcolm hahararr-arrarar-arr-har laugh? Come on Spielberg, surely when someone laughs like that you do another take?

At least we got the genius remix linked below out of this...

https://m.soundcloud.com/flip-shot/hahahrawrrahaha

Similarly awful is Dennis Nedry squealing when Dodgson shows him the secret embryo compartment in the shaving foam can. I mean, he laughs like when you pull the ends of an untied balloon apart and you get that screeching noise when the air escapes. That is not human. It also sounds a bit like the Velociraptor squeal. Could it be clever foreshadowing? No, it's just a bizarre inhuman laugh left in for nerds to complain and argue about.

That theme tune.

So you're innocently going about your day and then it happens...out of nowhere...deeeedle dee, deeeedle dee, deedle deedle, deeeedle dee.... you overheard someone humming it, whistling it, it came on whilst you were watching Jurassic Park or it just inexplicably pops into your head. No matter how it gets there, that theme just gets stuck in your head and once it's there it never leaves. Damn you John Williams, damn you Stephen Spielberg and damn you Jurassic Park.

Peace.